Dream a Little Dream of Me..

A dear friend texted me, "I dreamt that you have a baby girl!".

I grinned so widely at her text.

"Yay!!" was my reply.

She added, "you were telling me over the phone that she keeps crying"

Woah... phantom baby already has a character. I love silly conversations like this. Makes me happy. And hopeful.

Mind Over Matter

Charting BBT is actually fun. Well, not the physicality of it, but seeing the fluctuations and pattern.

So those parenting/pregnancy websites and forums are not lying. You do see the dip before ovulation, and then the rise. Interesting.

Hopefully the charting and the TCM helps. It could be psychological, but this cycle is kinda a breeze. The week of PMS was barely noticeable, I did not have any difficulties getting out of bed in the mornings, nor was the day-one cramp unbearable like usual.

Fingers crossed.

On another note, I do feel that there is a reason why I'm still not pregnant. The mind was not in the right state. There's the distractions coming from all over the place and I wasn't sure myself what I wanted. But now, I am almost 100% certain about who I am, what I want, and how I want to lead my life.

Hopefully, with this way-delayed epiphany, my little bump will come soon.

The Green-Eyed Monster

When I found out a friend was pregnant, I was so happy for her. But I also couldn't help but feel so disappointed that I wasn't pregnant yet. It took all of me to not show my disappointment as it was her moment.

I am truly happy for her, but I am also very jealous. I guess it has to do with the fact that I'm competitive by nature. I've always excelled in school, at work, but now.... zilch. Of course, I'm not competing against my friends, I'm just impatient. Didn't helped when I tried to subtly asked if DH would consider checking in with a doctor. His response, a flat "not yet".

When, oh when, is your answer going to be, "ok"?

Back to the Grind

When I decided to start blogging on my journey to the bump, I had semi-high hopes and was somewhat desperate. I thought I'd done anything and everything I could, but looking back, I didn't. I did buy those ovulation strips - which incidentally I still have a bunch sitting at home - but I'd only religiously used them for 1 cycle perhaps. I did buy a BBT thermometer, but for the charting to be effective, you have to take your temps every morning around the same time. Needless to say, I didn't have the discipline to wake up at 6am over the weekends just to take my temps. So, I really can't said I've tried hard enough, except to assume a particular week would be my fertile week.

When I decided to "abandon" my blog, I was absolutely demotivated. I wanted to somehow take the relaxed approach, ie "not-trying-not-preventing" way, and more importantly, not care or think about it. Tricking myself to think that this would work, since it's been proven many times by others. Unfortunately, after a few months of that, I began to feel discouraged.

Now, this blog post is probably the indication of me trying to get back to the grind again. I went to a TCM the other day - she came highly recommended by a friend. It wasn't cheap, but I got motivated to try it. A day later, a friend who's been married for awhile finally got pregnant. I felt so happy for her, but also depressed that the bun in my oven is missing.

What a whirlwind week so far. I think I know why I wasn't able to successfully conceived in the past. I have my theories. And I'm eager to change it, mainly via how I control my thoughts. I'm confident I can do it. It will happen.

Meanwhile, 20 more days of bitter chinese medicine until the next visit with the Doctor.