Dreaming of You

Last night must have been at least the third time I dreamt about Bradley since I got pregnant. And all 3 dreams revolved around me breastfeeding him, how weird!

I'm not super adamant about breastfeeding exclusively - because I've heard many stories about how some babies just refused to latch, how some mums have inadequate milk supply etc etc. So I'm going to have a come-what-may mentality. If I can, I'll nurse for as long as I can. If I can't, then formula milk it is. So it's weird that all my 3 dreams revolved around me breastfeeding B. And in all my dreams, although I can't make out his face, he is puny lah. I'm half tempted to load up on the calories and durians especially to make sure he's a big fat chubby baby at birth. DH stopped me. Thank god at least one of us is sensible.

As part of our membership at the Mandarin hotel, we were given so many vouchers that can be used at their F&B outlets or hotel stays. So this weekend, we're heading over for one night stay. It's not my first choice for a staycation in Singapore, I much prefer Sentosa or the Fullerton, but this will do. Afterall, it's not going to cost us much. And next week, we'll have our maternity shoot! I cannot wait, except I have not exactly decided what I'm gonna wear. I have some ideas.. we'll see!

Looking Ahead

When DH drops me off at work, it's usually a good 5-8 minutes slow walk to get to my office. During this time, my mind wanders all over the place, depending on what comes into my view.

For instance, some days, I walk past executives smoking at designated smoking areas and thought "how smelly they are. Do I use to smell like that too?" and sometimes I go "Dang I miss smoking".

Sometimes, as I cross the roads and look at my reflection, I wonder if the motorists who sees me can tell I'm pregnant.

Today, I saw an expat mother in her exercise outfit, pushing a stroller. My mind wandered away to seeing DH and myself taking Bradley for a walk in the park, him in his stroller, looking back at us with his alert eyes and us just talking about anything under the sun.

There is so much I want to give to Bradley. I want him to feel the love of family, I want him to feel his parents' undying love, I want him to know how much we treasure him even before he's born into this world, I want him to know that he's all I can think about when I'm carrying him, I want him to know that whatever decisions I made, it's him and DH that I think about first.

I don't know if I will be a good parent, but I'll try my best. That's my responsibility and the least I can do the moment we've decided to bring you to this world. You ought to deserve the best we can give.

Chubby Bradley

I had my glucose tolerance test done last Friday. Dr W ordered this test as I have a family history of diabetes and she wanted to play safe. My test was 830am in the morning and I had to fast from midnight. The lab took my blood and made me drink an extremely sweet orange soda. I was then to return 2 hours later for them to take another vial of blood to see how well my body respond to the glucose. The results were out in an hour and we were back in Dr W's office for the verdict.

Thankfully, I do not have gestational diabetes. I'm pretty thankful for my somewhat healthy body considering how much harm I've done to it over the years from smoking and drinking. Thank you, body. I'll be sure to take better care of you moving on.

I brought up the issue of my occasional itch and she prescribed a cream for me to apply whenever necessary, so happy with it. All I need to do is apply it before I go to sleep at night and so far, my problem has vanished *touchwood*.

And then to the more exciting part, seeing Bradley. Dr said Bradley's head is down already, and showed us his face, and went, "this is baby's front view, you can see his face and his chubby cheeks". DH and I were beaming just like any proud parents would. Our chubby little Bradley. We also witnessed his breathing motions, although Dr said he's breathing in the fluid now, but it was cute to see his face went up and down with each breathing motion. Then we saw him "protesting". He was moving one hand up and down, as though part of some revolution and protest, and then opening and closing his fist.

Here's a shot of the chub.

Can you make out his face? You might need to tilt your head to the right :)

I was also quite happy with my weight gain and control. Over the last 5 weeks, I've put on 1.5kg and this pregnancy to date, 5.5kg. Bradley weighs about 1.67kg now, so I think we're on track.

Moving on, the appointments with Dr W will be every 2 weeks instead of 4, and we've made the deposit for the delivery fees/hospital. I still have quite a lot to do before baby arrives, need more time!

What I Love About Being Pregnant

There are so many things I love about being pregnant, but as with everything in life, there must be a balance - things I can't stand that comes with pregnancy.

LOVE

1. There's a life in me! I'm carrying the fruit of our love. 
2. The compliments I'm receiving about "glowing" - for once I'm not being asked or told "you look tired"
3. Carrying a baby bump is like carrying a  medal that says "champion". I love it.
4. Better complexion, better hair condition
5. I don't have the typical pregnancy symptoms and no food cravings! Although I secretly wished I did just to experience how it feels like. But I guess it's for the better, not too much weight gain
6. Baby's movements. It's happening more frequently these days and I've been told that once baby is born, I'll miss it. I'm sure I will
7. Discussing with DH what/how baby will be like - how he's going to look like when we dress him up in a certain way, what kind of personality he'll have, how he's going to irritate the hell out of us, imagining the life we planned for him.
8. People give up their seats for you when you're on the train!
9. A little more TLC from my colleagues and sometimes even strangers.
10. DH constantly in the "fatherly" and "man-of-the-house" mode. He has this strong desire to make sure I'm not in any form of jeopardy
11. Talking about babies, pregnancies with other women who have gone through this amazing experience
12. Decorating the nursery and seeing how a plain, boring guestroom transformed into a baby boy's room
13. The excitement and anxiety of welcoming a new member to the family. Can't wait!

CAN DO WITHOUT, PLEASE, THANK YOU

1. My infection!! I'm prone to yeast infection pre-pregnancy and it has gotten worst. The fact that not much can be done to prevent it as it's caused by the pregnancy hormones is making it quite uncomfortable. I hate to rely on pantyliners and the on-and-off itch drives me nuts. Thankfully it's only happening towards the end of the pregnancy and I'm going to ask Dr W for some form of relief when I see her later this week
2. Backaches - again, I had them pre-pregnancy and obviously it has gotten worst since I can't go for regular massages. I've been telling DH - after my confinement, I'm going to try and book myself a Thai massage and have the therapist crack all my bones.... ahhhhhhh
3. Waking up in the middle of the night to pee.
4. I miss coffee... never been a huge fan of local coffee but recently I've been craving kopi-si kosong. I've had one cup last week and I made sure I finished the last drop. It was my first cup of coffee since pregnancy. I think I did well. The decaf cappuccino I had during our staycation just didn't taste the same
5. Alcohol - I miss having a glass of wine or champagne after a hard day at work. 
6. Blurry eyesight - this is something that only started last week. I read that it's common in pregnancy too. Again, thankfully I'm at the last leg of the pregnancy already. Otherwise it can be quite annoying since my job is deskbound and I stare at the computer all day.
7. Oh how I miss being able to roll on my bed and lie on my tummy! 

At the end of the day, whatever aches and pains that I experienced, I know for sure it's all going to be so worth it when I hold baby in my arms.

30 Weeks!

So this is it, we've come so far, and really there's only about 7-10 more weeks to full term. I'm feeling the stress and anxiety now. As DH and I keep talking about how soon Baby B will come into our lives, my anxiety level shoots up higher. I'm scared!! Not knowing what to expect when labour comes. On the plus side, I'm really looking forward to the start of my maternity leave, 7 more weeks. I hope B stays in a little longer, so I can have a bit of a break, prepping the house and myself mentally. We'll see :)

I made pandan cake over the weekend. Been meaning to make it for the longest time, but a little lazy as the recipe called for the extraction of pandan juice from the leaves. It sounded like a painful and tedious process, which for the record, is a painful and tedious process. But I woke up on Sunday feeling up to the task and went to the market to get the pandan leaves. Thank god for DH, otherwise, I don't think I'll have the strength and energy to squeeze the juice out. The end results? Fragrant, fluffy pandan chiffon cake. I'm definitely doing it again with the leftover pandan leaves for the dinner party we're hosting this Saturday.

My friends are coming over this Saturday for dinner, and I'm thinking this could be the last party we host before B comes into the picture. Our lives really is gonna change dramatically afterwards right? :)

Gong Xi Fa Cai

The year of the water snake really started off wet. It has been raining almost every day! I hate the rain.

Chinese New Year is my favourite time of the year. I love decorating the house, shopping for cny clothes, the cny goodies, all the customs and traditions. Love it! It's also the time I allow myself to fully indulge and eat all I want. But this year, I controlled my intake, not wanting to pile on the unnecessary weight.

Next Friday we'll have our appointment with Dr W again, cannot wait! Baby B will be 30w 5d then! 

Side Track

I have so far been able to refrain from complaining talking about work here. One, I don't really see the need to do so, and two, I want to keep a happy disposition for my entire pregnancy. But today, I'm not sure what has gotten into me, maybe I'm extremely tired and sleepy, maybe it's a combination of factors at work that has finally got me down, I need to vent.

I haven't been happy with my job six months after I joined. It was a simple misfit and wrong expectation to the role. I stayed on because I do have a very supportive and understanding boss, and it is usually  a pleasure to work with him. I stayed on also because I don't believe in quitting after such a short period of time. Back then, my MD who has since left, was extremely supportive too, and gave me an opportunity to a greater responsibility, by managing a team of associates. I gave up an opportunity to go back to the hotels for that.

Now, at nearly two years with the company, I am so drained, tired and demotivated. I have no feelings at work. What used to anger/upset me now is just being brushed off by me. You might say that's good, no? But it's not me. It's not easy for me to give up so completely and not be bothered at all.

I dislike the way the sales team work here. Sometimes you can sense their desperation in the emails they write, I hate it. Completely unprofessional emails. What can you expect when the average age of the sales lead is between 30-35 and for most of them, it is their first job after graduation.

I have a backup plan, and I think that might just work fine. But for now, I can't wait for April to come sooner. To go on my 16 weeks of maternity leave, and to meet Baby B.

Excitement Overload

I think DH is extremely excited about Bradley's arrival.

This morning he had a moment. By moment I meant this short of screaming out loud. He said, "CanyoubelieveafterCNYthislittleboywillbeoutsoon? It'ssofast".

I kid you not, there was no pause between his words and sentences.

Brings a smile to my face to see his excitement.

Bradley 的外公

離開我們將近10年了，老豆。

遲疑了很久，一直都不想寫下10年所藏起來的情緒，以為知道愛哭的我，一定會寫得又一把眼淚一把鼻涕， 很難堪。最終還是忍不住，因為希望有一天， Bradley 能夠瞭解外公在媽媽的心理是怎樣的一個人。

除了ah ma (也就是老爸的母親），我根本沒機會認識到外公外婆。 親眼目睹侄兒侄女能夠和自己的母親有那麼親密的關係，絲毫有點嫉妒。

Bradley，你的外公是位心地十分善良的人。 雖然外表上看起來很嚴格，但沒人的心地比他再善。最好的一個例子：我們以前的舊家，時常有很多壁虎。 有一次，外公發現有一隻壁虎好像是受傷，（不要問我，我不知道他是如何發現的）你知道他有多瘋嗎？盡然拿了一顆煮好的米粒，用鑷子喂它。他也從來不殺生， 即使只是一隻螞蟻。 外公常說：“積一點德，不要殺生，他們也有父母親的“。 外公總是有他的歪理。

媽媽在念中學的時候， 學校很靠近家，所以我都是步行上學。 但只要一遇上下雨天，我就會把在睡夢中的外公叫醒，要他開車送我上學。現在回頭想一想，好像有點自私， 怎麼當初沒提別人著想呢？可能是外公從來沒有怨言，一心不想要女兒淋雨。

也同樣是在我念中學的時候，外公開始生病了，腎臟衰落，必須洗腎。從那時起，外公的身心便一落千丈。洗腎洗了五年，最終還是敗給了病魔，在 2003 年 2 月 過世了， 享年 58歲。

外公一生中，我想最讓他感到驕傲的是他6個孩子吧。因為他年輕時，家境不好， 沒機會升上中學，也沒機會享用豐富的美味佳餚， 所以當他一有機會，一定會確保給孩子的都是最好的。 我想我們一家愛吃的習慣應該是從他那學來的。每次都會聽到他在朋友面前提到孩子們， ”這是我最小的女兒，也是最壞蛋那個“ （在講我啦）， 又或者 ”我的大兒子念大學是政府給的獎學金，又被送到Stanford念碩士，從來不需要我們操心”, 又或是，“我三個女兒都是空姐”。 其實他沒機會知道，最小，最壞那個女兒， 最後也當上了空姐。在他的言談舉止， 總是能感受他對我們的愛，關懷，及驕傲。

你一定要切記：如果外公還在，他一定會很愛，很疼你們這些調皮的外孫， 因為沒什麽對他來說是比親情重要。 他時常說：”家和萬事興“。

要記得。

We Are In Our Third Trimester!!

In case you can't tell, I was shouting out the title. :D

I am so excited these days I can't control it. Yesterday, I was looking the belly shots I've taken across the last few months and I couldn't believe it. My belly was really small even at 16 weeks, and I remember thinking at that time, "yep, I'm showing".

When I looked at the 19 weeks and 24 weeks shots, one can say "you're barely just showing".

What do you think of this 28w shot? Getting there yet?

Other than getting ready for baby Bradley's arrival, I've been also getting ready for CNY, one of my favourite time of the year. Not so much of spring cleaning, but DH and I have been cleaning the house bit by bit. I've been fairly hands on this year and made quite a bit of cny goodies to give away. A new try:

Fried crabsticks. Something I picked up from the mother's group and have made one for each of my sisters and mum. They were quite impressed and couldn't stop eating it, chided me for not making a bigger portion!

Next year, with Bradley in the picture, I wonder if I'll have the time to make these goodies for giveaways again.