Guilt Towards My First Born and Thoughts on Being Second Time Mum

I've been putting on hold this post for the longest time, because I know the moment I start it, the flood gates will open. True enough, I am already tearing now.

Ever since I found out I was pregnant with Clara, of course there was the initial joy, since it wasn't exactly expected. Then came the guilt. What is going to happen to B? All this time, it has always been "daddy, mummy and Bradley" (he says this all the time when he look at our pictures or when we are all standing in front of the mirror). How is he going to deal with another person in the picture? Sibling rivalry - not something I'm familiar with because I'm the youngest in my family and the age gap between me and the second youngest is 12 years, so I never had much sibling rivalry. You could say I'm the pampered one, not spoilt!

During the course of the pregnancy, I've tried explaining to him that there's a baby in mummy's tummy and next time when baby is out, she will be best friend with him, playing together and having fun. I know he understands but he tries to shut them out. Sometimes he acknowledges 'ok', but most times he just ignores.

So the day finally came when I have to deliver C - I think B's 'nightmare' literally started when he was disturbed from his sleep and had to come to the hospital with us. Sure, it wasn't the best arrangement but for us, we had no other options.

From the day C arrived, B did not have a good night sleep - first night he was home away from mummy for the first time ever. He finally fell asleep, well, sobbed himself to sleep from the exhaustion but at least he had at least 10 hours. When I found out, my heart ached so much I decided to let him stay with me in the hospital the second night. Which was a bad decision because he is such a light sleeper and when he got woken up, he takes forever to go back to sleep. And he doesn't want daddy to put him back to sleep, only me. So I had to juggle between bfg C and hugging B. Its been like this at home too.

Our initial plan was to have C sleep in her own room, which we did so the first night. But this little girl is such a gu niang even when she woke at night, she didn't even make any noise! When I did wake to check on her, she somehow managed to kick her swaddle off and her diaper even!! Thats when i decided no, she's not going to sleep alone yet. She will sleep in the 3-in-1 rocker in our room on the floor. And whenever I need to do the midnight feed, I will bring her outta the room to feed. Sounds good right? But somehow, our boy who has been sleeping through the night somehow always manages to wake up when I'm not beside him and bam! He's up officially and will take another 30 minutes or so to put him back to sleep, that's after I finish feeding C. Can you imagine?? It's really tougher managing B at this point instead of the newborn.

So, our new arrangement - daddy, bradley and mummy on our pathetic queen-sized bed (I was told I can't change my matrimonial bed during pregnancy and at least until after 4 months baby is born, otherwise we would at least have a king bed now!), C in her rocker and when I need to feed her, she comes onto the bed with me while I bf her lying down. Its not ideal BUT, its the only way that we all get our rest.

To be honest, I'm having a lot more rest at night than I expected. I don't know if this will last but I'm thankful for it for now. B was horrible as a newborn, thats why DH and I were expecting the worse. And I guess as second time parents, we more or less know what to expect, what to do and what are the things we can prepare ahead. Like bfg for one. It seems to be working this round because I religiously try to feed C every 2-3 hours whereas with B, when he was sleepy with jaundice at the hospital, I just let him sleep without bothering too hard to wake him up. My milk kicked in faster this round so I guess that helps. I'm still doubting my ability to breastfeed via latching but so far it seems that C is producing enough wet diapers and seems contented so far? More importantly, I've taken a very relaxed approach this round. I'm totally ok with supplementing ebm or fm if I'm not available to latch; confinement rules - well, I stick to those that I can, eat as healthy as I can but let's just say I shower twice a day and have gone out for dinner with B, C and hub at Sentosa. I'm way way happier than I was during my confinement with B.

I hope things remain or improve in the weeks to come.